I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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