Dual....:-)
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
