I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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