After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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