I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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