i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
