I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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