Dude my mom stole all your condoms
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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