i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
