Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
