How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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