so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
