I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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