just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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