Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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