I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
