i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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