Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
