i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
