I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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