I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
