My nipple is on Facebook.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
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you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
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I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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