we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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