if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
