I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
