Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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