Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
