Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
