just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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