You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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