i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
there was a trapeze. enough said
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
two words...techno handjob
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
