The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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