update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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