Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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