I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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