i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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