You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
