how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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