it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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