she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
