rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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