We're like a lot better than the average bears
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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