Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
