I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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