woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
