You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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