dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
