I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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