i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
