Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i think my cat just said my name.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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