a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize