Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
