standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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