I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
