There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
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You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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