Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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