Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
