hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
