No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
