Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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